stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
