well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
