I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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