dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
