i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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