Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
