Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
