Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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