Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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