I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
