Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
