is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
