Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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