just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
