If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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