Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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