So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
