I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
