Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
