so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
