god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She needs sedatives and a leash
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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