Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
