dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's blow job season.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
