The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
