If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize