she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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