everyone is single if you try hard enough
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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