Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
