I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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