Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
