i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
