Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
