i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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