I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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