my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
