If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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