I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
