i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
