Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
