how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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