dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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