i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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