I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
