i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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