how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
