it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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