you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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