I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
