So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
