He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
