If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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