I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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